Friday, May 13, 2011

Why Can't I Write Erotica?

Please check out my new site--thanks!
Spank me, pull my hair, make me call you Daddy!



I like titillating stuff as much as the next girl. If I write it, it makes me squirm, and not in the good way. The dirtiest thing I ever came up with was (insert deep throaty whisper here), “kittttty litttter.” I once wore an apron to the pleasure palace, and arrived armed with a spatula. It made him ravenous. Seriously, not only was it apparently not sexy that I showed up in the boudoir looking like I was ready to pull buns from the oven, he didn’t even notice other than the fact that it reminded him he was hungry. He does pretend he can’t hear me and always asks me to repeat myself when, “I have to caulk the shower.”

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

The Kitchen Shrink!

NEW! The Kitchen Shrink, A Novel…
If your life╩╝s a mess, your house could probably use a makeover, too! The Kitchen Shrink, a new novel featuring the humor, vulnerability, honesty and flaws of a suburban heroine…Welcome to the behind-the-scenes world of reality TV in The Kitchen Shrink.  

Enter The Kitchen Shrink Giveaway:
-Amazon Kindle eGift of The Kitchen Shrink
-Invisible The Kitchen Shrink Bookmark!
-Domestic Diva Clean-Up Gloves
-Five-In-One Hammer/Screwdriver Tool
-1.5” Perdy Paintbrush
-Groovy Toolbox!

To Enter: Please head over to my new website, www.DeeDeTarsio.com and leave a comment! The winner will be chose at random by my dog, Leo, on May 23, 2011.  





Friday, April 22, 2011

For Those Who Celebrate...

For those who celebrate...Happy Easter! For those who don't, (my friend's son, Jake) No, the Easter Bunny is not Jesus' dad.




Friday, April 15, 2011

Read My Lipstick...

Pucker up! I can ID my friends' lip prints!
Red clay and rust were the first order of business used to tint the lips of ancient ladies. Cleopatra wore crushed carmine beetles (with ants!)... I can just picture her commanding Caesar, “Kiss me, you fool!” 

Enterprising ingenues created shimmering effects rubbing fish scales on their mouths, mmm. By Medieval times, lipstick was banned by the church; worn only by prostitutes, those foot soldiers of Satan.

SWAK! This foot soldier is on an eternal quest for the perfect pout; aren’t we all? What’s your favorite lipstick?

Sunday, April 3, 2011

The Body of Gluten-Free Christ...



These new certified GF (Gluten-Free) rice crackers totally taste like the BOC, baptized in salt, anointed in cheese. Bless me Father for I have sinned...it may be going on a kazillion years since my last confession, but, holy cow, eating these crackers is a form of penance. (They don't taste very good, but it feels like the right thing to do...) Amen.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Don't Laugh...

OK, you can laugh. My husband has fallen in love with his Five Fingers. (Get your mind out of the gutter, please.) Apparently, this revolutionary (transformer-looking) footwear is the answer to all the world's ills. He claims he can run faster, jump higher, dance better, all with no foot pain! He says it improves posture, digestion, depression, congestion (but apparently not exaggeration). He wants to share the love, or perhaps the laughter.
Could be worse. Could be Crocs.


867-5309

I can't remember what I had for breakfast, but I can remember Jenny's phone number?


Saturday, March 19, 2011

Good Times at GoodReads!



The Kitchen ShrinkThe Kitchen Shrink by Dee DeTarsio

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


I had so much fun writing this, I had to give myself FIVE stars, count 'em, FIVE. (Bless me Father for I have sinned...It has been about a million years since my last confession, but if you're keeping track, I did say 14 Hail Mary's after posting this--is that the going rate for being obnoxious?)



View all my reviews

Thursday, March 17, 2011

BFF!

Who is your BFF-Best Fictional Friend? 


I was so excited to have the chance to see this amazing painting by Botticelli, Primavera, which hangs in the Uffizi museum in Florence, Italy. (Although there was that little incident where my husband lost me at the Uffizi. I clearly said, "I'll wait right here for you," which he somehow interpreted as me saying: "I'm going to go down those three sets of stairs, through a museum shop, past the security guard and out the green door." All's well that ends well...and with a glass of vino!)

This significance of this painting is the central theme to the historical fiction novel, The Botticelli Secret by Marina Fiorato, and introduced me to one of my BFFs, Luciana Vetra. As much as I loved reading this book, I also lamented that I will never be able to write like that!

I'm also thoroughly entertained by Isabel Spellman (thanks Lisa Lutz!), all of the Walsh sisters (PLEASE friend me, Marian Keyes!) and I have a new BFF, India Black, (courtesy of the wonderful Carol Carr!).

Who's your BFF?


Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Sticks and Stones...

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words, labels and categories can make or break new authors...The Scent of Jade is keeping some pretty amazing company in the dream category of Women's Literary Fiction, on Amazon UK:



Now, if only Marian Keyes would friend me!


Sunday, March 13, 2011

For Pete's Sake!




My friend's nephew, Pete, joined us for dinner last night. I was complaining about how much my husband loves salmon. "I hate salmon," I said. Pete smiled at me and told me I shouldn't say hate. I laughed, and agreed. The conversation turned to weather. "I hate to be cold."

From across the room, I glimpsed Pete as he turned his head, whispering, "We don't say that."

I had no idea how often Negative Nellie was inviting herself to my party--but thanks to Pete's gentle reminder, she is officially off the guest list.

Pete's got a big birthday coming up this summer: he'll be 4.





Thursday, March 3, 2011

Why Isn't There an App For That?

Etiquette is a way of dealing with something that shouldn't have happened as if it didn't.

I am not firing on all cylinders today. It's not my fault. It wasn't the Girl Scout cookies I had for breakfast, either. Was it the guy trying to have an orgasm on the treadmill next to me, for 29 minutes?  oh, oH, OHOHOHOH... People kept stopping to stare; I have no idea why I was the one embarrassed.

Was it the woman who gave her boobs a bath in the middle of the women's locker room? She was buck naked, bent over, sink stopped up and filled with water; splishing and splashing and rub-dub-a-dubbing away as I pretended that was completely normal, too.  I went about my lady business of, you know, applying lipstick and fluffing my hair, and got the heck out of there.

Or was it the lady who cut in front of me get her cup of coffee; obviously she's way more important than me.

Someone needs to develop an "Appropriate Response App"... (They could call it App-App.) I would buy that.

(And by the way, if your boobs are that smelly, might I recommend a SHOWER?)

Monday, February 21, 2011

Cheerio!

The UK rocks! They like my new novel, The Kitchen Shrink...look, I'm near MEG CABOT--one of my favorite authors of all time!

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Chick Lit Plus!

What is it? The Scent of Jade reeks with a little bit of romance, a soupcon of suspense, a waft of mystery; but what's that funny smell? Labels are so important in helping readers find books they want to read that it's been tricky trying to pigeonhole just what-the-heck genre The Scent of Jade belongs to. I like Chick Lit Plus...which was gracious enough to do a review!
Chick Lit Plus!

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Monkey Business!










A huge THANK YOU to the best entourage of smart, beautiful, funny (and extremely well-read!) women a new author could ever hope to hang with!


Nemira, Monkey, Fini, Jinny, Yvonne, Toni, Michele!













Special guest appearance by Lisa and baby Brendon, who was obviously overcome by the brilliant conversation...

















And to the sweet lagniappe of southern belle, Michele...whose grace and elegance is only exceeded by her warmth and hospitality...She's the icing on the Italian Cream Cake!





Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Smart-y Pants Phone

That D-roid. I pretend to be cool enough to hang with him, and, like a lovesick teen, beg him to help me understand his evil machinations. D-roid (as I call him behind his ridiculously pumped-up back--come on, who needs all those muscles?--I just need to dial 911) simply couldn't care less. When he does bother to think of me at all, it's to devise some intricate ploy to mess with me.

I took a photo of my friend's son playing basketball, shared it with her along with a voice activated text message where I clearly stated: "He missed." I hit send, looked down and saw that D-roid did it to me again:

















Penis.



Saturday, January 15, 2011

Intergalactic Steven King of The Universe

Even though I have two left feet I am "Dancing With Myself" as the brilliance of the planet's most amazing genius eludes me...
http://bit.ly/ibL0TJ

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Please Don't Say Anything...

I embrace the digital revolution. Honest. I love my kindle; we've been to third base. (Short story: Red wine, malted milkballs, not enough hands.) I discovered I also love my new Droid phone, even though it's just like a cat, thinking it's all superior, playing hard to get--doing nothing whatsoever to gain my affection. (But when it got sick, I was paralyzed with fear--life just wouldn't be the same without it.)
My husband doesn't know it yet, but I renewed our newspaper subscription. I imagine he's going to catch on pretty soon. I couldn't help it. It's just no fun sitting a mug of coffee on my laptop, or doodling on it with a sharpie. Wearing an iPad hat isn't the same, either. And the only window washing activity would come from Googling a service to do it. Hey, now...